Pain Redefined
by McCoyMedical
Summary: Castle's past returns in an unsettling way when a Copycat of a serial killer, Cole Gray, a man Castle wishes he had no connection to, emerges. Can the team find this Copycat before history repeats itself 20 years later?
1. Chapter 1

**Pain Redefined**

**Chapter 1**

New York's Detective Kate Beckett walked around the body of a young man. He was pale, showing signs he's been here in the dumpster for a day or two.

"Name's Daniel Keeper, seventeen years old." Dr. Lanie Parish said as she moved out of the way to allow paramedics to take the body.

"Cause of death?" Beckett asked.

"It's not pretty. Our victim was stabbed in the lower right hand corner of his back, and the weapon used was dragged all the way up to his lungs. Basically cutting most of his vital organs, but that's not how he died, he bleed to death. I also found bruising almost all over his body, so either he was beaten or he put up one hell of a fight. One other thing, our victim wasn't killed here, if he was he'd be swimming in blood." Lanie paused and took a look around. "Hey, where's Castle?"

"Talk about change of subject," Beckett said with a smile, "said he was busy and would meet us at the precinct. Call me when you figure what was used against our victim."

"You got it."

When Beckett walked into the precinct she expected Castle to be fooling around with something at her desk, but when she saw it was empty she couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. Should she call him again, make sure he was okay? She mentally kicked herself for thinking that. She couldn't worry about him right now, she had a murder case to deal with.

A couple of hours passed until Beckett got a call from Lanie. As she headed towards the autopsy room, Castle came off the elevator and quickly caught up next to her.

"Body?" was the first word out of his mouth.

"Yeah, where have you been?" Beckett asked.

"I had...stuff to do," he said. Beckett eyed him but didn't push. "So where was the body found?"

"In an alleyway dumpster by Union Square. He was stabbed and the weapon was dragged all the way up, cutting his insides."

Castle was silent, his face paling slightly.

They entered the autopsy room and Lanie was there in her blue scrubs with the body.

"There's our Castle boy," Laine said as she saw the duo back together.

"Hi, Lanie," Castle said, "so body in the dumpster?"

"Yup."

Castle looked at the pale body on the metal table. "Young boy," he said.

"Seventeen. What did you find?" Beckett said.

"Our victim here was stabbed with a machete."

"A machete?" Beckett and Castle said at the same time.

"Yup, also he was choked with a chain around the neck and our victim was beaten, I found rope burns around his wrists and ankles indicating he was bound. There's something else, too."

Beckett looked over the body. Her mind raced with possible reasons as to why anyone would do this.

"Lanie, was he raped?" Castle asked in a voice that didn't said like his own.

Beckett and Lanie just starred at him.

"Castle?" Beckett said.

"How did you know that?" Lanie asked, bewildered.

Castle looked up, shocked. He hadn't realized he spoke out loud. "Hunch?"

"Right on the dot Castle. Our boy was raped and this is no motivated killer, this is serial. The way this boy was killed is a signature and that signature belongs to a Cole Gray. He killed twenty-six out of twenty-seven, seventeen year old boys within three months."

"When was this?"

"I'd say twenty years ago. He was killed when one of the boys got a hold of his gun and used it for self-defense."

"Are you sure it was self-defense and not revenge?"

"The detective on the case saw the whole thing and wrote it off as self-defense."

"But if he's dead then this is..."

"A copycat," Castle finished for her. No one noticed how pale he'd become.

Beckett sighed and walked back to her desk. It wasn't easy telling a family that a loved one was murder, she would know. She was doing everything she could to find this killer, but serial killers weren't easy. They usually had no relationship with the victim or a motive. They just killed. Castle was starring off into space when she sat down at her desk. He didn't even acknowledge her presence. She snapped her fingers in his face.

"You okay there?" she felt a little concerned. She figured he was out of it because of the case, but didn't ask any questions.

"Uh...um," Castle rubbed the back of his neck. "I have to go," he said and left Beckett speechless at her desk. Just as she was about to follow him out Ryan stopped her. They had contacted the, now retired, detective that was on the Cole Gray case.

* * *

"Thank you for coming in Detective Leemen," Beckett said as she took a seat across from the retired detective.

"You can call me John, I haven't been Detective Leemen in twenty years," his face got a dark look to it, "not since that case. To even think someone is repeating that nightmare. Sends shivers down my spine."

"Well, there is someone and I need your help."

"Anything."

"Tell me all you know of Cole Gray."

John drummed his fingers on the table. "Where should I begin?"

"Perhaps with his victims."

"Boys. Seventeen year old boys. Wouldn't accept any other age. Never knew how he got a hold of them, never could ask since in the end they all were killed."

"What about the one survivor? The boy who killed Gray? Can you tell me about him?"

"Not much I can tell. Boy was traumatized. Couldn't get any information out of him. Gray's method was take a boy, beat, rape and murder. He never had a boy for more then three days. But this one boy. This one boy he kept for a whole month."

"John can you tell me his name?"

"Richard Castle."

Beckett looked over her shoulder to see if Castle had come back. It took her a moment to realize what he actually meant. "Excuse me?"

"Richard Castle the author. He's the boy, well, man now."

* * *

Ryan and Esposito watched as Beckett walked back to her desk.

"Jeez, what happened to you? Looks like you've seen a ghost...or worse," Ryan said as he took a sip of his coffee. Beckett just stared at her computer screen.

"Beckett?" She shook her head and shot up from her chair.

"I have to find Castle," she said as she grabbed her coat and headed out of the precinct, leaving the two men bewildered.

"Damnit Castle, pick up," Beckett said as she got his voice mail again. She flung her phone onto the passenger seat as she stopped at a red light. She slammed down on the wheel and look out of her window. She saw the man she was on the hunt for sitting on one of the swings in the empty playground. She was shaken out of her trace when the car behind her blared their horn. After spending fifteen minutes trying to find a spot, which is close to impossible in the city, she finally found one four blocks away. She walked as fast as she could, hoping Castle was still there. When she saw he was she let out a breath she was holding and slowed her stride. He rocked gentle back and forth on the swing as she took a seat next to him. They sat in silent for a little until he spoke up.

"I suppose you talked to Leeman," he said not looking at her.

"I had to Castle," she said. "I'm so sorry."

"Remember Halloween, when you asked me why I became a writer," he began. "It was because of this. When I pulled that trigger, when I killed Cole Gray, the feelings that washed over me..." He took a breath and sighed.

"Castle you don't have to tell me, you don't have to explain yourself. It was self-defense. You didn't have a choice."

"But I did."

After that Castle stopped talk and Beckett didn't ask him to elaborate.

"I want to be on the case," he said.

"Castle..."

"If this a copycat...," Beckett didn't need him to explain. She looked him in the eyes. All she saw was solid determination.

"Okay."


	2. Chapter 2

**Pain Redefined**

**Chapter 2**

Beckett sat at her desk starring into the screen of her computer. She thought back to what Leeman and Castle had told her. The look in Castle's eyes as he told her the painful memory. She couldn't help but feel there was more to it, something he left out. As curious as she was to find out more of what happened she wasn't going to intrude, not unless it would help their case. The spinning ball that was her screen saver snapped her out of her trance. She wouldn't get anywhere if she was tired, so she gathered her stuff and headed home to try to get some sleep, but she knew that her thoughts would not let her rest.

Castle entered his silent, empty apartment. He had never been so happy that his daughter was out of town for the week. He felt that he couldn't face her right now, he couldn't put up an act and tell her that everything was fine. His mother was out of town as well, something with a play, he wasn't sure, she was telling him about it during 24, you don't talk to people during 24. He headed up to his bathroom mentally exhausted. He splashed his face with cool water hoping to wash away the shock that still lingered. The thought of a Cole Gray copycat made the dam he's stacked all those horrendous memories behind flood into his vision. The dam was breaking and so was he.

He couldn't even remember breaking the mirror. He sat on the floor of his bathroom and flexed his cut up knuckles. The stinging was nothing compared to the pain he felt twenty-years ago. He laughed to himself. Amazed that so much time can pass and yet the memories are so fresh. Sure, over time the pain of them faded, especially when Alexis was born. All the great memories he created with his daughter had canceled _those _out. But this sudden punch in the face from the past was to much to handle and now he wished his daughter was home just so he could hug her and thank her for being apart of his life.

After washing and bandaging his cut up knuckles he spun his cell phone in his hand. He didn't want to be alone now. He wasn't sure if he was scared to be by himself or scared of what he might do. He scrolled down his phone book and hit call. He waited three rings.

"Hey," he said as he heard the familiar voice with a little differentiation due to simply the use of a phone.

"You busy?"

"Think we could met?"

"South Street Seaport Pier 17?"

"Great, I'll be around where the Water Taxi docks."

"Okay, I'll see ya."

Castle hung up and grabbed a light coat and headed out.

* * *

Castle leaned against the railing as he watched the Water Taxi leave shore traveling in the dark river. He looked up and saw a quarter full moon, but no stars. Living in Manhattan and seeing stars was a rare event. You might see a few but a cluster of them, that's only possible if there was a blackout. He wasn't very busy but the was a crowd. The night owl crowds. He used to be in this type of crowd, then he started shadowing Beckett and found he needed sleep when he got home at night.

"Hey, man, how are you?" said the voice he talked to over the phone as he felt a hand on his back. Esposito smiled at him but Castle can see his eyes held concern.

"Hey," Castle said as Esposito joined him leaning against the railing. "Hope I didn't bother you."

"Nah, I was bored anyway, Ryan brought his girlfriend over to some garden in Brooklyn so I was just sitting at home watching reruns of Seinfeld."

"The Botanical Garden?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"Probably that. It's nice there, especially when the Sakura trees, the, um, Cherry Blossom trees are in bloom."

Esposito looked at Castle. "You should bring Beckett, believe it or not she likes all the pretty color flower stuff."

"Yeah, right, I think she'd shoot me if I asked."

"Yeah, probably." But Esposito knew that it would probably catch Beckett off guard and maybe a nice time at a pretty garden will open both their eyes to a truth that they seem to be avoiding. Why they were avoiding it Esposito didn't understand it fully. Joking aside, he knew he wasn't here just because Castle wanted to hangout.

"What happened to your hand?" he asked as he caught sight of the bandage.

"Blacked out and punched my bathroom mirror." Castle said bluntly. At least he was being truthful and being Castle, he knew he would be able to come up with a believable story right on the spot. So the fact that he was truthful was an invitation, a signal he _wanted _Esposito to pry and ask questions.

"I know about your connection with this case."Castle shifted uneasily. "And we're going to do everything to catch this bastard."

"I know," Castle rubbed his hands together. Esposito eyed the bandaged knuckles again.

"Hey, why don't you stay at my place instead of being alone in your huge place?"

A small smile came to Castle's lips. "Like a sleepover?" There was the ten year old they all loved.

"Yeah," Esposito wrapped his arm around Castle's shoulder. He wasn't sure if Castle actually flinched or if it was his imagination due to the movement. "We'll grab out the sleeping bags, popcorn, watch a scary movie and go to sleep when the sun rises!"

"Won't Ryan be jealous?"

"He's out with his girlfriend, so if he says 'why didn't you invite me?' or 'without me?' I'll smack him. Deal?"

They both let out a heartfelt laugh. "Deal." Castle said.

* * *

The next day at the precinct Castle and Esposito let out a long yawn as they waited for the coffee machine to finish spurting out their beverage.

"Why are you two so tired?" Beckett asked as she walked in with her empty mug.

"We had a sleepover last night," Esposito said as he stifled another yawn.

"There wasn't much sleep though," Castle added as he took a careful sip of the freshly made coffee.

"What did you braid each other's hair and talk about past girlfriend's boobs?" Beckett said with a smile as she placed her cup in place to catch the addicting beverage.

"Yeah, but that wasn't why we were up all night," Esposito replied sarcastically.

"Nope, it was due to a marathon of the 1982 film 'The Thing' and 2007's 'Rec'. Damn little vicious children scare the hell out of me."

"Yeah, let alone it was that camcorder filming so it made it feel more real," Esposito said as he too took a sip of coffee.

"Esposito slept with his gun," Castle said with a laugh.

"That's a lie...because I didn't sleep last night."

Castle and Beckett laughed. Beckett grabbed he now filled mug and headed to her desk with Castle in toe. She sat down and glanced at Castle, she caught sight of his hand.

"What happened there?" she asked as she nodded towards the bandages.

"Velcro," Castle said slightly to fast.

"Velcro?"

"Yeah, scraped it along by accident and it was like blades, it really hurt."

Beckett just turned away. "Whatever you say Castle."

Castle was glad she didn't pester him about it, then again, why would she? He didn't miss the glance Esposito shot his way. Speaking of bandages.

"I'll be right back," Castle said as he hopped up from his seat a left before Beckett can even look up from her work.

He was happy to find Lanie in her usual work place.

"Hey, writer boy," she said as she jotted down a few notes then looked up at him. "What can I do for you?"

Lanie finished stitching up the last of the cuts and started to wrap up his hand in fresh new bandages.

"Thanks a lot, you're a great nurse," Castle said.

"You should've gotten them checked sooner, you're lucky they didn't get infected."

Castle just shrugged.

"Think twice before you punch out a mirror next time, the result may be worse."

"I'll keep that in mind," he said as he flexed his newly bandaged hand. "Don't tell Beckett."

Lanie threw away the gloves she had been wearing and turned to Castle, hands on her hips.

"What that you blacked out and punch out a mirror or that you clearly can't handle this case."

"Both," he said.

Lanie sighed. "You don't have to do this, Castle. I don't know what it is you expect to get when we catch this guy, but I can guarantee you, it won't change whatever you're hoping it will change."

"...I know," Castle said as he stood up and left.


	3. Chapter 3

**Pain Redefined**

**Chapter 3**

Castle came back just in time to see Esposito slap Ryan. He let out a chuckle as Esposito saw him and gave him a thumbs up, which he returned.

"I'm not gonna even ask what that was about," Beckett said as he took his usual seat. Castle could see there was more that Beckett wanted to say and he had a feeling he knew what it was.

"What?" he simply asked. She clenched and unclenched her hands.

"I don't want to invade or bring up..." She trailed off and when Castle didn't say anything she continued. "I need to know what happened to you...so I know what we're dealing with."

Castle looked away from her and bit his lip. It was true, he was the only one who knew how Cole Gray actually got his victims. Which made him wonder how the Copycat got his. The way he leaves his victims is the same but is the whole process of what Castle experienced the same as well, or is only the end result the same?

"Leeman said that he never found out how he got any of the boys and that you...couldn't...at the time."

"Alexis doesn't know any of this and my mother, well, she chose to forget." Castle said suddenly.

"And what about you?"

Castle took a sip of his coffee and thought about that.

"I write and try to find the answer as to why someone can do such a thing, but I never do."

Beckett watched as Castle spoke words that she figured were spoken for the first time. He wouldn't meet her eyes as he spoke.

"People wonder why I killed Derrick Storm. I killed him because death was the only way for him to be truly be free and at rest from all the murders and all the evil he's seen."

Beckett couldn't help but wonder if she imagined the emphasis on the 'rick' part of Derrick or not. When Castle looked up and met her eyes she didn't see those bright, blue, playful and happy ten year old eyes. Instead she saw eyes full of pain and scars. She wondered if her eyes looked like that when she thought of her mother.

"To answer your question," he said as he turned away, "Gray got a hold of the boys one of the easiest ways."

Beckett was slightly confused. "What's that?"

"He became your friend."

Beckett jumped when her phone rang, bringing her out of the little world they had seemed to form.

"Detective Beckett," she said as she answered the phone and listened to a voice on the other end. Castle saw her close her eyes and bite her lip. "Okay, we'll be right there," she hung up.

"I'm going to stay here," he said, not even having to be told what the call was about. Castle didn't see the look of concern she gave him as she grabbed her jacket and left with Esposito and Ryan.

* * *

Castle crumbled up another sheet of paper as he sat alone in the break room. He thought maybe writing would ease or at least distract his mind, but it had done either. He laid his head down and stared at his untouched refill and now cold cup of coffee. He sighed in frustration as he grabbed his coat and left the precinct.

Castle found himself sitting in Bryant Park with a brownie and a cup of hot chocolate from Starbucks. He watched his phone vibrate on the small round table before he picked it up.

"Castle? Where are you?" Beckett's voice said on the other line.

"I just went out for some air and I'll probably head home after this."

"Oh, okay, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"Okay, bye," Castle said and hung up before anymore could be said.

Beckett placed her phone down on her desk. "He's heading home," she said to Ryan and Esposito.

"This case is really messing with him, he shouldn't be on it," Ryan said.

"You're right, he shouldn't, but I feel if you kick him off he might, you know, do his own thing. At least if he's "on the case" he'll be with us," Esposito said.

"You're probably right," Beckett said, "Let's just keep a close eye on him."

* * *

It was a little past eleven when Esposito decided to stop by Castle's to make sure he was alright. He knocked on the door and waited.

No answer. He knocked again.

"Castle? It's Esposito, open up!"

No answer.

Esposito looked up and down the hall to make sure no one was there, then he knelt down and began to pick the lock. When he heard the click of the lock opening he stepped in slowly.

"Castle?" he called. "It's Esposito." He walked in slowly. The place seemed like no one has been there for hours. He didn't see the coat Castle had been wearing that day over on the rack and the answering machine was blinking, showing Castle had missed calls.

"Crap," Esposito muttered as he grabbed his cell and dialed Beckett as he headed out the door. Esposito headed down the stairs as he waited for Beckett to pick up, which she didn't.

"Hey, it's me, it's...11:23 and Castle's not home. I'm gonna drive around a bit to see if I could find him. Just thought you should know, call me when you get this."

Esposito left the message and gripped his phone in his hand. He exited the building and cut through the back alley way to get to his car faster. Unfortunately he never did.

* * *

Kate Beckett sighed in frustration as she tossed her phone on the table when Esposito didn't pick up again. She stared at the white board that had all the information on the case and on Cole Gray. Their second victim, James Otter, had no connection to their first victim, Daniel Keeper. Which they usually don't when it's a serial killer. The only similarity was their age and gender, otherwise nothing.

"Hey, have you seen Esposito?" Ryan asked as he sat down next to her.

"No, I've been trying to call since last night. He left me a message saying Castle wasn't home and that he was going to look for him. I've been calling Castle, too, he's not picking up either."

Ryan pondered over this information. "You don't think...something happened, do you?" he asked Beckett.

Beckett didn't answer, but she tried Esposito's cell one more time. Suddenly they both heard the ringing inside the precinct. They looked around and saw a young man handing over the ringing phone to Captain Montgomery. Ryan and Beckett exchanged glances and both hurried to the Captain's side.

"Captain, that's Esposito's phone, why did that man have it?" Ryan asked.

Captain Montgomery clutched the phone in his hand as he turned to the two detectives. "That man said he found it in the alley way behind his building, which so happens to be Castle's building."

Beckett and Ryan just stared at him.

"Can either of you explain this to me?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Pain Redefined**

**Chapter 4**

In an abandon apartment complex somewhere in Brooklyn a man sat across from a detective.

"The pieces are in play now, they have your phone," he said as he balanced on the back legs of his chair. "Even so, you guys have no leads whatsoever."

Esposito stared at the man, taking in all his features. He was just an average guy who you would walk right by on the street and not even give a second glance to. He looked younger then his years and had a very tense air around him. Not someone you'd want to be stuck in a life or death situation with. And that's exactly what Esposito was in.

Him and Castle.

He glanced over at Castle who was still unconscious. He shifted his body. Sitting up against a pole with your hands cuffed _and_ tied behind you is not good for anyones back. Esposito turned back to the man. "Why are you doing this?" he asked.

"The rapes and killing of the boys or why I have you two here?" replied the man.

"Oh, so you admit to the murders."

"I can tell you everything because you'll just be dead in the end. You'll just be another body to the puzzle, another clue...another victim. Now if you'll excuse me," he said as he stood up. "I have to go to work."

"Since I'm going to end up dead, what's your name?"

The man turned around, his hand on the doorknob, he smiled. "Ron," he said and left.

* * *

"Where did they go to school?" Beckett asked as she spun the dry erase marker in her hand. Ryan flipped through the files he was holding.

"Keeper went to Central Park East High and Otter went to...Central Park East High," he looked towards Beckett. "How'd we miss that?"

Beckett rubbed her temples and shut her eyes. There have be so many distractions between Castle's past and now both him and Esposito missing. Captain Montgomery had another group of detectives working on their case as well. Last time Beckett checked in, they had no leads.

Beckett was being to get pissed off with all the dead ends.

"Let's check out the school," she said not answering his question out loud. They had to pick up their game and get focus otherwise the FBI will be all over them and this case soon, very soon.

* * *

Esposito heard a groan and turned to Castle.

"Castle? Castle!" he yelled. He watched as Castle jerked and tried to register where he was, he turned to Esposito with a confused look.

"What happened to you man?"

"No idea. All I remember is sitting in a park. Don't remember leaving. What about you?"

"Got snatched by your place. Went to check up on you."

Castle looked around the old dusty room. He shifted and pulled and his wrists.

"Who's got us?"

"Ron, our copycat." Castle froze and stared at Esposito. "He practically confessed to me."

Castle leaned his head back on the pole and took steady breathes.

"Where'd he go?"

"Work."

"Work?"

Esposito nodded and tugged at his own wrists, even though he knew it was useless. He couldn't believe the mess he and Castle were in. It seemed to all be moving so fast. He trusted that Beckett would figure something out soon.

"Why would he take us?" Castle suddenly said. "I mean, the investigation was literally going no where. We have no leads, no connections, hell we didn't even have any suspects! So, why take us? If anything taking us is doing him more harm then good."

Esposito pondered on this. Castle was right. What was this guy aiming for?

"He knows we have no leads and he said that 'the pieces are now in play' when he told me he gave my cell phone to the precinct. 'You'll just be another body to the puzzle, another clue, another victim'." Esposito quoted.

"He's going to kill us," Castle said.

"Yup."

"But it doesn't fit, not if he's a copycat."

"Guess he's not a complete copy."

Silence engulfed the two.

"Where do you think he works?" Castle asked.

* * *

"Ronald Stemburg, I'm the principal, how can I help you today Detective?"

"Hey, you're the guy that handed in the phone," Ryan said. Beckett saw that Ryan was right, it was the same man.

"Oh, well, I found it, didn't really know what to do with it. I mean, I'm not the type a guy that finds a phone then sells it."

"Yeah, to bad most people aren't like you," Ryan said, he decide to leave the fact that it was his missing partners phone, it wouldn't do any good to tell this man.

"Mr. Stemburg, I'm sure you know about Daniel Keeper and James Otter." Beckett said, deciding it was time to discuss what they really came here for.

"Ah, yes," Ron said as he rubbed his hands together. "Tragic, so young. They were going to be graduating in a few months. Do you have any leads on who's behind it?"

"No, the only connection we have is that both boys attended this school," Ryan answered.

"I see."

"Mr. Stemburg, do you recall if Keeper and Otter were friends or hung out at the same place. Anything?" Beckett asked.

"Hm, not that I recall. There are a lot of students here and keeping track of one is very difficult. Anyway, I'm was just their principal, I wouldn't about much outside of school, but as for inside, I don't recall ever seeing the two together."

Beckett inwardly swore to herself. "Would it be okay if we talked to any of their friends, maybe they could give us information."

"Of course. It's been hard for them, but I'm sure they'll be more then happy to try and help."

* * *

Castle had slipped into a light sleep by the time he heard the door open and saw a man walk in.

"You must be Ron," he said as he tried to get into a more comfortable position, which was nearly impossible. Esposito, who had also dozed off too, was now wide awake.

"Ah, Rick, glad you're awake, we need to talk," Ron said as he placed a bag of food down on the dusty table.

"Really? You know if you wanted to talk you could have, I don't know, given me a call. We could've sat down, had some coffee and talked. Instead you-" Castle stopped talking when he heard the familiar sound of a hammer being pulled back on a gun.

"You know that never would've happened," Ron said as he turned around, holding the gun.

"What exactly do you want?" Esposito asked. Ron pointed the gun at him.

"I'm not talk to you right now, so best be keeping your mouth shut unless you want a bullet in the leg." Esposito turned away from Ron and bit back a remark, he could tell this guy wasn't kidding.

"Now, Rick I want you to tell me all about Cole Gray." Castle stared at him. "What he did, how he did it, why you. Come on, you were his golden-boy. He kept you! He prized you! I wanna know why."

Castle turned away. "I'm not telling you anything."

The shot rang loud in the nearly vacant room and so did the cry of pain. Castle brought his legs up to his chest as he tried to deal with the agonizing pain burning his shoulder.

"You son of a bitch!" Esposito yelled. Ron pointed the gun at him.

"Don't make me have to patch up you too. Keep your mouth shut."

Ron placed the gun down on the table and left the room.

"Castle, Castle you okay?"

Castle just groaned in response as Ron walked back in with a medical kit. He took a syringe and filled it with a clear liquid and walked over to Esposito.

"Night Detective," and before Esposito could even ask what he was doing he felt a pinch in his neck and he was out. Ron then walked over to Castle.

"Next time I won't be so nice, as in putting you out while I do this. I advise you tell me what I want to know otherwise you and your friend are going to have a lot of holes."

"You won't get away with this," Castle said through clenched teeth.

"Well, so far I am."

That was the last thing Castle heard as he was forcefully put to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Pain Redefined**

**Chapter 5**

Beckett walked around Castle's study. It's been 24 hours since Castle and Esposito went missing.

"Shouldn't we contact his family?" Ryan asked.

"No, he wouldn't want us to."

"Think there's something here?" Ryan asked as he stood in the doorway and watched Beckett walk around slowly. He looked around the study as well, eying the books, notebooks and any other research the Castle used.

"No, I just..." but Beckett stopped when she heard a creak in the floor. She looked down and pressed where she had heard it. The floor felt loose. She bent down and felt the floor.

"What?" Ryan said as he knelt down beside her. He saw the the floor was loose and sunk in slightly. "There's something under there."

Beckett and Ryan pressed down together and the floor gave way. They coughed as a cloud of dust filled the air. Beckett reached down and retrieved the floor board and moved it to the side.

"It's a box," Ryan said as he reached down and tried to pull up the box. "A heavy box," he groaned. Beckett helped him pull up the box and placed it with a heavy thud on the floor as more dust filled the air. Beckett open the lid and peered inside.

"Video tapes?" Ryan said as looked up at Beckett. Beckett grabbed one of the tapes and read the somewhat faded label.

**Richard Castle**

**May 1990 **

**Dr. Calvin Kingsley**

**Session 1-4 **

"Doctor Calvin Kingsley," Ryan read the name. "Hey, isn't that the name of that psychiatrist who died of a heart attack in '95?"

"Yeah it was tragic, dozens of patients were heartbroken. He was said to be the best in the city."

"You think Castle was one of those patients?" Ryan asked as he waved around the tape.

"1990 is the year of Cole Gray, there's no doubt Castle suffered from PSTD. This must've been his doctor."

Beckett grabbed her little flash light out of her pocket and looked back in the floor.

"Ryan," she said "there are more boxes."

Beckett and Ryan sat on the floor going through the boxes. To get to the other boxes it turned out more of the floor came up.

"Castle was seeing this guy for four years. Each box is a year," she said as she went through the tapes.

"Should we be going through these, I mean, these are personal. Like _seriously _personal."

Beckett gripped the video tape in her hand.

"It can help us. Maybe help us understand the killer easier. If anyone knows how this guy works it's Castle."

"But that's just it. It's Castle."

Beckett took a deep breath and bit her lip. "I know," she said.

* * *

"I can't allow it Beckett!" Captain Montgomery said as he stood up from his seat. "I have a serial killer out on the loose killing teenage boys and Esposito and Castle missing! I can't have you and Ryan sitting around watching tapes! I need you out there!"

"Being out there is doing nothing! We have nothing! Walking around aimlessly hoping something will pop up is just a waste of time!" Beckett shouted back.

"And what do you expect to gain from watching Castle's therapy sessions from twenty years ago?"

"Anything. Castle spent a whole month with Gray, he has to know something."

"Leeman said they never got anything out of him."

"The cops," Ryan said. "The cops never got anything out of him. There's more of a chance he opened up to a psychiatrist."

Montgomery sighed and and rubbed his eyes. "Even if there is something there's five years worth of tapes."

"We just have to go through each one."

"You'll need a warrant."

"Already have."

Montgomery looked at her. "I called the mayor on our way here."

Montgomery let out another sigh. "Fine, take it to a private room."

"Thank you Captain," Beckett said as she turned to leave.

"Beckett," he said before she was out the door, "I hope you can handle this."

Beckett left without a word.

* * *

"Okay so we have five years worth of tapes go through. Each tape has four sessions." Beckett said as she started to empty the first box. "Guess we start with session one," she said as she inserted the first tape.

"I hope we know what we're doing." Ryan said as he turned off the lights in the small room. Beckett nodded as she stared at the screen.

Soon it flickered on.

_May 1990_

_Session 1_

There sat a seventeen year old Castle who looked like hell. Castle was the only thing visible.

"_Now that we're done with introductions what would you like to talk about?" _

"That must be Dr. Kingsley," Ryan said.

_Castle didn't answer. _

"_Is there anything you'd like to talk about?" _

_Castle remained silent with his head bowed. _

"_Why don't you tell me about your nightmares." Castle looked up. "I can see you haven't slept."_

Castle didn't speak for the whole session. He didn't speak for the next three sessions either. He only answered yes or no questions with a nod or shake of the head. Ryan and Beckett had sped through those, each session was an hour and they couldn't waste time just listening to Kingsley speak. It was hard watching them, looking at Castle, his eyes fresh with the pain he's been through. Beckett did her best to keep back any emotions.

_June 1990_

_Session 4 _

"_Your mother told me you spend most of your time writing." _

_Castle nodded. _

"_May I ask what about?" _

_Castle looked up. "A-a detective." _

"_A detective, really? Does he have a name?" _

"_Derrick Storm." _

"Well, here's the origin of Derrick Storm," Ryan said.

"_He, um, he solves unusual murders." _

The rest of the session, along with a few after, were about Castle and his writing, it wasn't what they wanted but Beckett could see it was helping Castle. Beckett sighed, so far nothing about Gray. Ryan rubbed his eyes as he popped in the next tape.

_August 1990_

"_It wasn't my fault! He started it!" _

Beckett and Ryan straightened up in their seats as they heard the shout. Castle wasn't in his usual seat. The screen only showed the top of an empty couch and in the back one can see someone pacing.

"_Still, that's no reason to justify why you beat that boy up." _

"_He grabbed my arm I thought...I thought..." _

"_Rick, why don't you take a seat." _

Beckett watched as a beat up Castle with tears in his eyes sat down. He had a split lip and a bruised cheek.

"_What did you think he was going to do?" _

_Castle didn't answer. _

"_Rick, we've been seeing each other for four months. I can see you haven't been sleeping again. What happened?" _

_A tear slide down Castle's cheek. "They were talking about it. About Cole Gray, about the boys who were murdered. How they were weak. I told them to stop, told them to shut the hell up, that they didn't know anything. I turned to leave but the boy grabbed my arm." _

"_Then you beat him up." _

"_I thought of Gray. What he's done. He used to grab my arms when he..." _

"_Rick how did you meet Gray?" _

_Castle wiped his eyes. Kingsley offered him a tissue and he took it and blew his nose. _

"_I meet Gray at John Jay College, he gave me a tour, he was a student. We kept in touch, even when the murders started." _

"_Did Gray seem interested in the murders?" _

"_You're beginning to sound like the cops Dr. Kingsley."_

"_My apologies."_

"_I heard that Detective Leeman put down that I shot Cole in self-defense." _

"_Yes, why?" _

_Castle looked down._

"_Rick..." _

"_I killed him because I wanted to." _

"_Rick-."_

"_I didn't have to," Castle began to cry. "I had a gun on him, he had no where to go, I could hear the police coming. I didn't have to kill Cole!"_

"_Richard. Why did you want to kill him?" _

"_I couldn't live knowing he was alive."_

"_Detective Leeman told me how he found you." _

_Castle fidgeted in his seat. _

"_Did you want to kill yourself?" _

_Castle was silent and looked straight into the camera, his face tear-stricken. _

"_The gun was out of bullets." _

Beckett stopped the tape, stood up and left the room. She went out the back door of the precinct and breathed in the fresh air. She pulled out her cell phone and began to dial Castle's number. She didn't expect him to answer, but to hear his cheerful voice telling her to leave a message helped her racing heart slow. She sunk down the wall and sat on the ground. She dialed his number again.

She buried her head in her knees and cried.


	6. Chapter 6

**Pain Redefined **

**Chapter 6**

The dull ache in his shoulder hit Castle before the cold floor against his cheek. He groaned as he opened his eyes. He was in the same room except he wasn't bound to the pole, he was chained. He sat up, his hands cuffed in front of him. He saw Esposito was in the same state. He stood up shakily, his legs numb from disuse. He saw the food still remained on the table, but went over to Esposito first.

"Esposito," he said as he shook the detective. A few minutes passed before the detective began to stir. It took a few minutes for Esposito to come around before he sat up.

"How's your arm?" he asked. Castle shrugged. "I've had worse."

"Where do think he is?" Castle asked as he went over to the food. He read the note that had one word on it, EAT. He did his best to empty the contents of the bag with his cuffed hands.

"Probably at _work_," Esposito said as he joined Castle.

* * *

Beckett sighed as she and Ryan grabbed a cup of coffee.

"What's on your mind?" Ryan asked.

"How does he know?"

"Know what?"

"The boy's age."

"Well, for Castle, Gray was a student at a college, obviously seniors are going to check out the college before applying. So, our guy has to have something similar."

Then something clicked. "The school."

"What?"

"The school," Beckett said as she sat up straighter. "That's the only connection between the boys. And as part of the faculty you have access to all the kid's records."

"Even if that's true, there's dozens on that faculty."

Beckett knew this was true. To go through each and everyone one would take days, maybe weeks and they didn't have that type of time. Then she smiled.

"What's the best way to keep the police from suspecting you?"

"Have a solid alibi ready?"

"No, you help them."

Ryan was confused. "No ones been helping us. With either case. The only help we ever got was that guy brought Esposito's pho-"

Beckett raised her eyebrows.

"You think the principal?"

"Come on, Ryan! Who brings a found cell phone to the cops?"

* * *

"Mr. Stemburg?" Beckett said as she walked into the principals office.

"Yes, Detective, have you found anything?" Ron said as he stood up.

"No, but we'd like to ask you some questions, at the station."

* * *

"Where do you think we are?" Castle asked. They had been left alone for hours and from the small window he could see it was getting dark. He could also tell they were in a basement, now that he could move and look around.

"Not in Manhattan anymore, that's for sure."

"How can you tell?"

"Does it sound like Manhattan out there to you? Besides, less people in Brooklyn to see you carry bodies into abandoned buildings."

"We could be in Queens, or even Jersey."

"Well, where ever we are, it's not Manhattan."

Esposito pulled at his chains. He was surprised that they were about a four feet long, but it felt good to work his legs out. Even so, he was still a good fifteen feet from the door. Esposito sighed as he took a seat on the dusty floor and looked around.

"Gotta hope Beckett can find something," Castle said as he watched Esposito. "Before she finds our bodies," he added. Esposito gave him a look.

"You know he's going to kill us and I have a feeling he's going to do it sooner then later."

"Why are you saying that?"

Castle looked away for Esposito and thought about what he said. He's been in this situation. That feeling of no hope. Knowing that death will come soon. Except his death never came. He had cheated death and had brought it upon another.

Could he cheat it again?

The door opened and Ron walked in holding two containers of gasoline. Castle and Esposito stood up.

"See you guys stretched your legs, figured you'd need that," Ron said as he put down the two containers. "That female detective is sharper then I thought. Beckett."

Castle and Esposito turned to each other.

"She connected that the boys were from my school. You see, I'm a principal. Now, if I stop it'll look suspicious, if I continue and she sees that the next boy is from my school, she'll know. So you see, it's a lose-lose for me. She's probably been checking my background since I left," he said as he lifted one of the containers and began to pour the gasoline on the floor. "and by now I'm sure she found out that I own this building."

"So, what? You're just gonna burn it down. How 'bout doing something smart and turn yourself in," Esposito nearly shouted as he watched the fuel cover the floor.

"And spend my life in jail, nah, I'd rather die."

The gasoline didn't reach them, but the fire surely would.

"People think death is a punishment, but it's actually a gift. You see Castle, you gave Cole Gray a gift."

Ron tossed the empty container to the side and grabbed the other container and poured it on himself. Castle just starred at what was happening before his eyes and Esposito swore under his breath. Ron pulled out two things, keys and matches.

"I'll give you a chance, but I already soaked the rest of the building," he said as he tossed the keys towards Esposito's feet. "It's only a matter of time."

They didn't even see him light the match before he was engulfed in flames. The rest of the room quickly filled with flames and smoke as Esposito bent down for the keys. It took a couple minutes before he could unlock his cuffs and undue the rope. The smoke began to burn his eyes and fill his lungs as he made his way over to Castle.

"This whole damn place is gonna collapse!" Esposito shouted as he uncuffed Castle.

"Ah, crap!" Castle shouted as the flames licked the bottom of his pants. He patted out the fire and took a few steps back. A loud breaking noise was heard from above. Castle and Esposito took one last glance at each other before the building collapsed.

* * *

Beckett and Ryan were racing behind the firetrucks towards the orange glow in the night.

"Son of bitch," she muttered.

"No way that's a coincidence." Ryan said.

Beckett had to slow as dust surrounded them.

"Oh, God. Oh no. No, no, no, no," Beckett said as she pulled up as close as she could to what remained of the building.

"Beckett, we don't know if they were in there." Ryan quickly said. "We don't even know if he had them." He knew what he said was probably wrong, but he wanted to believe it.

Beckett got out of the car and slammed the door, Ryan followed. She walked up to one of the men who was securing the area and flashed her badge.

"Detective Kate Beckett, we have reason to believe there were people in that building."

The man, Chief Yorkstin, shook his head. "No way, that building's been abandoned for years. Chances of someone being in there-"

Beckett cut him off. "We have a warrant to search this building and it's not a coincidence that it burned down in the same day! Two of my men are missing and we have every reason to believe that they're in there! And I know, you know, this was no accident. You smell the gasoline don't you, this fire was on purpose."

* * *

When Esposito regained consciousness, he was first surprised that he regained any at all, then realized he was wet and heard sirens. He coughed as he tried to blink the dust out of his eyes. He found that somehow he hadn't become trapped under any rubble. He felt around in the dark.

"Castle?" his voice was low and dry. "Castle?" he cried again. He heard coughing off to his left and crawled the best he could without touching anything. One shift in a rock could bring it down on any open space they had left. As he crawled he could feel the sting of a burn on his arm and torso, along with what he assumed was a broken ankle.

"Castle!"

"Over here," said a weak voice. Though dark, Esposito was able to see Castle and luckily, make it over to his side. Close up, Esposito could see Castle was in bad shape. His right leg was pinned under the rubble, he had burns on his neck, shoulder and torso and his right arm was clearly broken.

"Jesus. Just hang on alright, we'll get you out," Esposito said.

"Who's we?" Castle asked. "And are you okay?"

"In better shape then you," he said with a cough, "and we is hopefully firemen. We're wet and I can hear sirens."

"People...don't know we're here," Castle said as his eyes began to slide shut.

"Hey, hey, hey," Esposito tapped him on the cheek. "Stay with me, man. Beckett. Beckett knows we're here, alright. She's gonna come and they'll start digging us out, alright? You hear me?"

"Yeah," Castle said as he coughed.

Esposito didn't know how long he was down there saying random things to Castle to keep him awake, but he knew they wouldn't last much longer. Breathing was getting hard, his burns began to sting worse and his ankle felt like it was on fire. He wasn't sure if Castle was in any pain because he didn't show it and he was beginning to lose him. His head began to feel heavy and he laid it down on the ground. He knew going to sleep was risky in a situation like this, but he was exhausted and in pain. Sleep felt like the perfect escape. Just as he was slipping away from it all, light flashed before his eyes and he heard voices.

But his eyes shut before he could make any sense of it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Pain Redefined **

**Chapter 7**

"_I don't understand." _

"_What?" _

"_Why do all this and then just kill yourself? He had a good life. He had money, friends, a job that all his co-workers said he enjoyed. So why? I just...I don't understand."_

"_If you try to figure out the reasons as to why people do some of the things they do, you'll kill yourself." _

"_It doesn't...it doesn't make sense." _

"_...I had a friend, Charlie. He, um, he worked in a zoo, loved animals, loved his job there. He used to drag me and a group of friends we had to all his family outings out on a ranch where he grew up. His mother would make this amazing fish sauce for spaghetti. It was so good, even if I was full I would force myself to eat more. His father, damn he taught all of us how to shoot those flying discs people use for aiming practice, how to milk a cow...and other animal stuff." _

"_Ryan what are you..."_

"_His sister, Kim was an amazing artist. I have one of her paintings in my place. We had so much fun on those days. He was one of the happiest guys I knew. Always smiling." _

"_..." _

"_Then one day I get a call. It's his sister. She told me that...that Charlie had committed suicide, he hung himself in the barn. I rushed so fast up to the ranch I didn't even remember getting in my car. By the time I got there the cops were leaving. I don't really remember much of what happened while I was there. I remember asking if he left a note, they told me that all it said was, "I'm sorry." I spent weeks looking for a reason. A reason why killed himself, why he was sorry. I thought there might be a deeper meaning. I checked everything I could, if something happened at work, at home, if he was in debt, if someone was bothering him, threatening him, stalking him, everything because the Charlie I knew, would never have any reason to do this to himself. In the end I found nothing. Charlie was always the Charlie I knew, no secret debts, no dark and shifty actions. He was just Charlie." _

"_..."_

"_I guess what I'm trying to say is, some people, you just can't figure out why they do some of the things they do. No one ever will ever know why Charlie killed himself that night. Maybe we all missed something, maybe he was good at hiding how he truly felt. I don't know. Some mysteries are never meant to be solved. I guess that's just life." _

Beckett opened her eyes to a white ceiling, remembering that first night at the hospital and her conversation with Ryan. She shifted on the couch she was currently laying on. She turned to the bed which was in the room, to find the occupant smiling at her.

"Hey," she said as she got up and went to the side of the bed. "you're up. How do you feel?"

"A little sore, but I'm sure the morphine's blocking out more of the pain." Esposito said as he smiled up at her. "How long was I out?"

"Um, about two weeks. Doctor wanted to keep you out due to the burns."

Esposito nodded. "So how long have you two been here, sleeping on hospital furniture?" he asked as he motioned towards Ryan who was sitting up, clearly asleep with his hand holding his head up.

"A few hours."

Esposito shifted in the bed. His whole body was sore and he could feel the dull ache of his broken ankle.

"Castle," Beckett looked up. "is he okay?"

Beckett bit her lip and he could see tears in her eyes. "Yeah, doctor's say he'll be okay. You both are going to be okay. He hasn't woken up yet as far as I know. His burns were a little more severe so he might be out for a few more days." While she said this she didn't make eye contact with him.

"Why aren't you with him?"

"Martha and Alexis are with him, it would be rude for me to intrude."

"You and I both know that's a lie," Esposito looked at her, but she refused to look at him. "Kate," he said as he grabbed her hand. "what happened?" She looked up at him and the tears were falling now.

"They had to amputate his arm," she finally said.

"What, no, no, it was just broken. If anything his leg was trapped."

"His left was amputated. We made good timing, we got you out and we were able to get Castle's leg out too. But something went wrong, something happened as we began to move him and the rubble came down on his arm and almost on the men working. But he was beginning to run a fever. They said it would take to much time. He would die of infection before we could get all the equipment ready to free him. Amputation was faster."

Esposito laid back on his pillow and closed his eyes. They made it out alive, but not without scars.

"I know what you're thinking," he said without opening his eyes. "It's not your fault."

* * *

The bright light burned as he tried to open his eyes. He let out a groan as he tried to shift positions, but found he barely could. He heard shuffling around him and voices but could yet make out what they were saying.

"Dad?"

He turned to where he heard the voice of his daughter and squinted until his eyes adjusted. He saw his daughter beside him, starting at him with bloodshot and tear filled eyes.

"Hey, pumpkin," he said with a small smile.

"Oh, Daddy," Alexis said as tears fell from her eyes. He went to go wipe her tears away but found his right arm in a sling and his left arm...

It felt surreal to him. To see nothing there yet feel as if it was. He turned away and noticed his mother standing by the doorway giving him a sad smile, which he returned. "How do you feel, kiddo?" she asked as she sat down next to Alexis and wrapped her arm around her.

"Sore and thirsty," he said.

* * *

"Hey," Esposito said as he wheeled into Castle's room.

"Hey, you look good." Esposito laughed and wheeled up next to the bed. "You do, too," he said.

Castle's smile wavered a bit at this.

"Where's Alexis and your mother?"

"I was finally able to convince Alexis I'd be fine and got her to go to school and told my mother to get some rest."

Esposito nodded.

"How are you holding up?"

"I'll be okay, to be honest, I didn't expect..."

"Yeah, I didn't expect to wake up either."

"I don't mind," Castle said. Esposito turned to him slightly confused. "About my arm," Castle continued. "I mean, things are gonna be a lot different, yeah, but, this time, I have Alexis, my mother, you guys...Kate. Where is Beckett by the way? She hasn't...she hasn't been by."

Esposito turned away from Castle.

"She blames herself doesn't she?"

* * *

Beckett sat at her desk and watched as the clock chimed twelve. She knew that Castle was being released from the hospital today and wondered if he was out by now. Esposito strolled over to her, she could still see a slight limp in his walk.

"You know he thinks you hate him," he said suddenly. "you haven't seen him in like two months."

"I don't hate him," she said defensively. "and we've talked on the phone. I've been busy, I just don't have the time to pay him a visit."

Esposito nodded with a sly smile. "Right, but you're making yourself busy," he said as he pointed at her as he walked away. She starred after him, at his arms where the scars of the burns lingered.

* * *

"Hey! Shouldn't you be resting?" Beckett looked up as she heard Ryan speak.

"I've been resting for months, plus I wanted to try out my cane," Castle said in a cheerful voice. Beckett turned down to her desk and tried to focus on paperwork, but she heard him coming over.

She didn't look up as he took a seat in his chair.

"You've been avoiding me, Detective."

"I told you I've been busy." Beckett looked towards him. She couldn't help but linger on the empty coat arm and the burn scars on his neck before looking him in the eyes.

"Something else is bothering you," he said. "I know we've passed the whole arm thing, but, there's something else that's bothering you and it obviously concerns me since you haven't wanted to see me."

"Castle, nows not the time," Beckett said as she stood up.

"Kate, please, I want..." Castle stopped talking as his eyes fell upon boxes in Montgomery's office. Beckett followed his gaze. She went to say something but he was already heading towards them.

"Castle, I wasn't aware you were here," Captain Montgomery said as he stood up from his desk as Castle wandered into his office. Castle ignored him and read the lid of the box.

"Castle..." Beckett said from the doorway.

"What are these doing here?" he asked, his voice steady. Beckett could feel the tension in the air.

"I...I thought they'd help in the investigation. Give us some clue as to how Cole Gray worked."

"Oh...did they?"

Beckett was slightly stunned and turned to the Captain, he just shrugged. "Yeah, we were able to figure out that-"

"Good," Castle cut her off.

"We...didn't watch all of them Castle."

Castle turned to her. "I want you to help me with something. Can we take these out back?"

* * *

"Is it really safe to be doing this?" Ryan asked as he lit a match.

"We have a fire extinguisher," Esposito said.

"Wait, wait, did you take out the one I asked?"

"Last session?" Esposito asked as he read the label on the tape. Castle nodded. "Here."

"Good, okay, go ahead."

Beckett watched as the boxes got consumed by the flames. She turned to Castle and could see in his eyes that a great weight was lifted from his shoulders.

"I could never fully understand why I kept those horrible memories preserved. I feel like I'm finally free."

Beckett smiled.

"What's on that one though?" Ryan asked as he pointed to the tape in Castle's hand. Castle smiled and handed it to Beckett.

"I know which ones you watched, I know what you saw and heard, and I think I know what's bothering you," Castle said. "I want you to watch this one." He placed the tape in her hand and bent down to whisper in her ear. "Show you my reason to live." He pulled back and planted a kiss on her forehead as Ryan and Esposito were distracted with extinguishing the fire.

Beckett could feel heat on her face, whether it was from the fire Ryan and Esposito were now putting out or the blood that rushed to her face she wasn't sure. She gripped the video in her hand and watched as Castle said his good-byes to Ryan and Esposito and watched as he limped out of sight.

She looked down at the tape and wonder what was on it.

"Only one way to find out," she mumbled to herself.


	8. Chapter 8

**Pain Redefined **

**Chapter 8**

Kate knelt down in front of her VCR and popped the tape in. She grabbed the remote, sat back on her couch and hesitantly pressed play.

"_Still with the camera, doc?" _She heard the happy tone of Castle as he took a seat on the couch. She could see a bright smile on his face. It was nothing like what she had seen.

"_Come on, it's what we do." _

"_And what am I suppose to do with these?" _

"_What ever you like. Watch how much you've moved along, how strong you became or, destroy them, free yourself. Anything you like." _

Beckett could see Castle was thinking hard about what was said.

"_Anyway, lets talk about that adorable bundle that my secretaries are probably all "aw-ing" over." _

"_Alexis, she's my world." _

"_And you're still so young, and yet at the raw age of 21 I see you as an ideal father. Though, I am sorry about your marriage." _

Kate smiled as Castle blushed at the complement.

"_Meredith? Well, she was lying to me about things and well, I think it was because we got married so young. We rarely agreed, too. I mean she wanted to travel and you can't do that with a baby on board. I didn't...I didn't want Alexis to have the same childhood I had. So, we divorced and I got full custody of Alexis." _

_"And are you happy?" _

"_I'm overjoyed. Alexis is, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. It's just a shame it wasn't the same for Meredith." _

"_I'm glad." _

"_I mean, I think that I'll eventually find the right one for me one day." _

"_I think you will Rick." _

"_But in the mean time, all my attention goes to Alexis...and writing." _

The talking continued for a few more minutes until it came to an end. Beckett sat on her couch as the tape rewound itself and thought about what she had just watched. Then she headed to bed, since she had someplace to go in the morning.

Castle was chewing when he opened the door and looked rather disheveled.

"Is this a bad time?" Beckett asked as she looked at him up and down.

"No, no," he said and swallowed. "It's not, I uh, actually need a little help." He moved aside and let her in. She saw a pile of folded clothes on the floor, along with a pillow and blanket on the couch.

"It's uh, little tricky to walk up the stairs still, been sleeping down here." Castle said as he saw her look around. "So what do I have to offer this little surprise?"

"Don't play dumb, Castle," Beckett said with a smile. "You know why I'm here." She took out the tape and placed it on the counter. "You said, it would show me your reason for living. Alexis is your reason, but I already knew that, a lot of people know that. So, why."

"Of course Alexis is my reason, but she's not the only reason now."

Beckett walked around the counter and closed the space between them. She hesitated before she closed the space between their lips. A long awaited gesture.

When they pulled away Castle smiled.

"...wow, if I knew almost dying was what I needed to do to get to here, I would've gotten shot a long time ago."

Beckett smacked him on his chest. "Don't say that, that's horrible."

Castle chuckled. "So, does this, um, mean we're a couple?"

Beckett smiled and looked into his blue eyes. "Yeah, I guess it does. I mean, people always seemed to have seen us as one already." She fingered a hole in his shirt. "Is this a night shirt?"

"Oh, yeah, that's actually what I needed help with," he said as he moved over to the couch and grabbed a button down shirt. Beckett followed him.

"I, um, haven't really mastered buttoning with one hand and it takes some time." Castle said as he held up the shirt. "I was wondering if you could...help me?"

Beckett hesitated before nodding. "Sure."

Castle smiled as he pulled of his night shirt with just a little trouble. Beckett watched as she saw Castle's lean chest, then her eyes went the scar where his arm was supposed to be.

"Sorry," he said he slipped on the shirt, "Doctor said it'll start to look a little better in a few more weeks."

"Don't apologize," Beckett said as she walked up to him and began to button his shirt. "It's not your fault."

"So, how are you two, you know, with one arm and all," Ryan said as he made motions with his hands.

"We're not, we've only been dating for a month," Castle said making a face at Ryan for asking that question. "We're taking it slow."

"What about when the time comes?" Esposito asked. Castle gave him a face now. "I'll figure something out," he mumbled.

"Well," Ryan said as he patted Castle on the back. "whatever happens I'm sure she'll understand."

Castle rolled his eyes as he saw Beckett walk out of the elevator. He went over to her desk and sat down in his chair and smiled as she took a seat.

"What?" she asked eying his smile.

"Alexis and my mother are out of town, how about we have dinner at my place tonight?"

Beckett turned to Castle and gave him a smile of her own.

"Sure, that sounds great, I'll be off in an hour."

"Okay then," Castle said as he stood up. "I'll head home get things ready."

Beckett stood up too and walked up to Castle and gave him a kiss, then she whispered in his ear.

"I can't wait for dessert," she said in a sexy voice.

_**The End**_

**So so sorry this took so long! **

**I just want to get Castle's age sorted out if you don't know. Castle is 37, Alexis 16 now, so 17 in 1990 and 21 in 1994 when Alexis was born, so math, 21+16=37!...I did that in the shower, wanted it to fit. And yeah 21 is pretty young to have a kid but I don't see Castle being older the 40**

**Also he had a shoulder disarticulation amputation. **

**This picture sorta shows it. **

**./Resources/site_**

**Thanks for all the reviews and hoped you enjoyed the story! **

**Be on the lookout for a sequel!**


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